The Replacement

• (368kb)
  Toth The last step in thy forging is my pain... the price with which I purchase... the death of the slayer.
   
• (116kb)
  Toth You are not the slayer. You do not concern me.
   
• (60kb)
  Giles Spike, um... we're looking for a demon, um... tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off. Deep voice?
  Spike You mean a great tall robe-y thing like that one?
   

• (604k) Xander gets a promotion.
   
• (2.0M) The Xanders scuffle at new apartment.
   
• (480k) SuaveXander goes to Buffy.
   
• (4.9M) LameXander Willow SuaveXander at Magic Shop.
   
• (3.0M) SuaveXander and Anya.
   
• (484k) LameXander confronts SuaveXander and Anya.
   
• (1.8M) Giles figures it out.
   
• (596k) LameXander brings out the gun.
   
• (1.3M) Riley Buffy gun the BMW.
   
• (2.9M) Buffy arrives, the Toth.
   
• (2.6M) Reintegration.
   
• (2.3M) Xander moves out.
   

• (32kb)
  Xander Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
  Anya We think the cat peed on it.
   
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  Xander I do have Spaghetti-O's. Set 'em on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness.
  Riley Hmm. Yeah, I had dryer food for lunch.
   
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  Xander Ah, I guess the folks are back.No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars.
   
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  Xander Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?
   
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  Xander Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
  Anya Much more durable than their hot plates.
   
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  Willow If you get the appartment - this will be your hallway. We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
  Buffy Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
  Riley Really? I will.
   
• (56kb)
  Manager We run your credit check based on the application.
  Xander Oh! Credit check. Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are.
   
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  Anya He'll take it. Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here. He's been living in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hot plate.
  Xander Anya, can we talk quietly over there? Excuse us.
   
• (140kb)
  Buffy How badly did you hurt him?
  Giles Well, hurt, uh ... maybe not ... hurt.
  Willow Well, I-I'm sure he was startled.
  Giles Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn.
  Buffy He ran away, huh?
  Giles Um, sort of more ... uh ... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.
  Buffy So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
  Giles Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.
   
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  Xander So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" symphony?
   
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  Giles Toth.
  Riley What?
  Buffy He called you a Toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
  Giles No, Toth is the name of the demon. Be careful with that. Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated.
  Buffy Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
   
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  Giles Well, there's no mention of the types of places he might frequent, but ... I have an idea. He had a very specific olfactory presence.
  Xander Well, I guess we're off to the olfactory. I hate that place. I'm joking, I know what it means. He smelled. Right?
   
• (76kb)
  Buffy The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
  Riley People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.
  Willow I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so ... no.
   
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  Riley What are *you* doing here, Spike?
  Spike Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I?
  Willow Very pretty.
   
• (64kb)
  Giles Spike, um ... we're looking for a demon, um... tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off. Deep voice?
  Spike You mean a great tall robe-y thing like that one?
   
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  Dawn My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died because she choked on her boyfriend's tongue.
  Buffy Go away, Dawn.
  Dawn I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you.
   
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  Manager ...I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
  Suavexander Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and ... go with it.
   
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  Manager Well ... I hope you'll be happy here, Mr. Harris. We're certainly happy to have you.
  Suavexander Thank you.
  Manager And if you ... need anything ... day, or night ... please. Call me. I, um ... I'm leaving my home number here...
  Scruffyxander She's coming on to him ... me!
  Manager Call me. Even for, you know ... non-business stuff. Maybe we could, uh, do something?
   
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  Scruffyxander Oh, man, I need Buffy.
   
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  Scruffyxander Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.
  Willow Um ... okay.
  Scruffyxander Let's see. Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday ... I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance.
   
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  Scruffyxander It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil.
  Willow Uh huh. Or it's Toth.
  Scruffyxander Or, it's Toth.
   
• (88kb)
  Willow Xander, you sound a little ... you have to help me figure this out, you know.
  Scruffyxander But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
  Willow That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you. And sometimes you're not in trouble.
   
• (88kb)
  Willow Xander.... You already knew he was taking over your life, and ... you didn't think about Anya till just now?
  Scruffyxander Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
  Willow I handled it fine.
   
• (584kb)
  Anya So... what happens next?
  Suavexander Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
  Anya I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
  Suavexander A car?
  Anya And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
  Suavexander What are you talking about?
  Anya Just ... we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
  Suavexander There's no hurry.
  Anya Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying.
  Anya I may have as few as fifty years left.
  Suavexander Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.
  Anya What about the sling?
  Suavexander You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
  Anya No, that's not it.
  Suavexander Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years. And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.
  Anya You don't understand what it's like.
  Suavexander Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
  Anya You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And ... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm ... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
  Suavexander No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.
   
• (72kb)
  Giles I swear, this time I *know* I had that locked.
  Willow Buffy, Toth looks like Xander.
  Riley We already know. We're on our way.
  Buffy Wait a second, how did you know about this?
  Willow He came to me. I-I mean Xander did. And he's in terrible shape, we need to help him.
   
• (384kb)
  Giles Oh, dear lord.
  Riley Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little-
  Buffy He seemed kind of forceful and confident.
  Willow That's not Xander.
  Giles I said, "Oh, dear lord."
  Buffy You always say that.
  Giles Well, it's always important! Neither Xander is a demon.
  Willow Um ... is one of them a robot?
  Giles What? No. Um, uh, the rod device, it's called a ferula-gemina. It splits one person in half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell, Toth was attempting to split the slayer into two different entities.
  Buffy Two Buffys?
  Giles Yes. One with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers, and the other one with everything that belongs to the slayer alone ... the, uh, the-the strength, the, uh, speed, the heritage. And when it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest points and his weakest.
  Riley But which one's the real one?
  Giles They're both real. They're both Xander. Neither one of them is evil. There's nothing in either of them that our Xander doesn't already possess.
  Riley I still don't get the original plan. I mean, why do it? The slayer half would be like slayer concentrate, pretty unkillable.
  Giles But the two halves can't exist without each other. Kill the weaker Buffy half, and the slayer half dies.
  Buffy So the same goes for the Xanders. We lose one, we lose them both.
   
• (24kb)
  Buffy Can't this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass.
   
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  Buffy We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he's dead. (frowns) You know what I mean.
   
• (160kb)
  Buffy Yeah. Okay, Xander ... Xa ... You've been split in two. But you're both Xander. And you *can't* kill each other. Um, well, you could, but it would be really bad.
  Suavexander No way.
  Scruffyxander He can't be me. He's all ... fancy.
  Riley We can prove that you're both Xander.
  Buffy Yeah! How?
  Riley Um...
  Buffy Um...
  Riley Well, there has to be a way.
  Buffy Ooh! What number am I thinking of?
  Riley I don't think that's gonna do it.
  Xanders Eleven and a half.
  Buffy Wrong. Oh! But see?
   
• (144kb)
  Buffy Look, there's a scar there and there's the same one right there.
  Willow It's all double. This zit, and this ... kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way
  Scruffyxander Okay! Back off, ladies.
  Riley Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
  Riley Just me, then.
   
• (244kb)
  Anya So ... you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same ... physical attributes?
  Suavexander We're completely identical.
  Scruffyxander Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. Fingerprints!
  Anya Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and ... we can all have sex together, and ... you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
  Suavexander She's joking.
  Scruffyxander No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is ... *wrong*, and, and it would be very confusing.
  Giles Uh, uh, we just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
  Willow Check. Candles and pretense.
   
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  Anya What'll we do if this doesn't work?
  Xanders Kill us both, Spock!
  Buffy They're ... kinda the same now.
  Giles Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
   
• (252kb)
  Xander How is it that she can always make me feel SuaveXander's left the building?
  Riley You two have your friction, but ... she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
  Xander Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
  Riley Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like ... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just ... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half ... is so still and peaceful ... just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.